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| It was supprising how easy it was to act like there was nothing wrong. No one really suspected anything because I was acting so normal, but that was only around people, when I was alone the smiling stopped the happiness stopped. I spent my spare time lying on my bed with the music playing in the back ground, normally a sad song about some guy or girl who had had their heart broken. It really made me think though, did they really know what they were talking about when singing those songs. I had lost all will to do anything. Most of my days were spent on my bed just looking up at the ceiling. My other free moments were filled with Chris. I couldnÕt see all that much of him because he was grounded so I could sometimes sneek time in after school but other than that, only when his parents were out could I sneek over. I always felt better around him. About a week after ÒitÓ happened my parents called me into the living room to have a talk with them. When they called me down I rolled my eyes, this was probably about my grades slipping or the fact that the only thing I did was lie comotoce on my bed and listen to some girl or guy sing about love and pain. Funny that those two things come together a lot of the time.
ÒSit down sweetie,Ó my mom said motioning to the chair across from the couch that they were sitting on. I sat, unsmiling, aware that my eye makeup was smudged from crying but not really caring, maybe hoping they would notice and do something. ÒWe were talking to your grandmother reciently and we think that maybe itÕd be good for you to go and stay with her for a while.Ó She wasnÕt looking at me, she was looking past me as if she was ignoring the pittiful sight in front of her. My father nodded looking at me with worry filled eyes.
ÒWe actually already bought your train ticket and youl be going up there for spring break,Ó my fathers voice sounded oddly shakey. I looked up at him, up until now my eyes had mostly been glued to the perfectly clean baige carpet. I had never really liked that room. It was too bland and boring. Everything matched. It made me want to take a huge bucket of red paint and splater it all over the place. As my eyes rose to meet his I noticed how hard he was swallowing. When I looked him in the eyes I could hardly stand it. I had only seen my father cry once. I donÕt even remember about what but he had always been the one to stand strong in whatever situation. Seeing him about to cry over worry for me broke my heart. I think at that moment I realized that I would do anything to make him get that look out of his eyes, so I did what I had reciently discovered is a talent of mine. I plastered a smile on my face, one of those big fake ones I had been wearing reciently as if it were a mask glued to my face, only to be taken off in private.
ÒI think thats an awesome idea,Ó I said, my voice filled with enthusiasm that seemed to spring a smile into my fathers face. I got up and hugged them both and went back up into my room. I shut the door and leaned against it shutting my eyes. My grandmother was really nice. I liked her a lot. We visit her mostly every summer and some other holidays as well. Maybe this trip wasnÕt such a bad idea. Spring break was a few weeks away but it would give me enough time to hang out with Chris and then go away. He would be fine for a week without me....right? | | |
| New post yall. Sorry, I've been having writters block or some such. W/e I hope yall like it:
The next morning came faster than I wanted it to. My amarm clock ringing loudly in my ear. I groaned and slid off the bed. I tried to think about how the day would be. Awkwardness with Will, and possibly Chris. My parents had told my teachers that I had had to have an operation, and that was why I had missed school. I told myself it would be fine, and slowly walked down the stairs to get breakfast. At school everyone welcomed me back. I felt kind of awkward beacause no one except Will knew the real reason I had been out. Will gave me a funny look when I didnÕt tell my friends the truth. When I saw Chris he gave me a big hug and kissed me. It felt so good when he hugged me. My mind went somewhere else. When he hugged me, everything was ok. Even in his presents everything was ok.
ÒI have to talk to you,Ó I said, still hugging him.
ÒI know, lets go for a walk,Ó he replied smiling at me. We walked away, his arm drapped around my shoulders. I turned around and saw Will standing there. He was looking at us walk away. I turned back around. How wierd was that. It was probably nothing. We walked down to the woods and sat down on the grass. ÒWhatÕd you wanna talk about?Ó He asked. I looked at him, wondering how he would react. I even debated weather to tell him or not. I looked down. I couldnÕt look at him while I told him this.
ÒWhen I was out last week...I wasnÕt having an operation, and I wasnÕt sick,Ó my voice was stronger than I expected it to be. ÒI fell...down some stairs...I had a miscariage,Ó my voice cracked on the last word. My eyes filled with tears. I looked away trying to get control over myself. Chris reached out and hugged me, his hand running up and down my back. He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer. I melted into him and started crying. I tried to speak but nothing came out. He could tell I was trying to speak but he just kissed me softly running his fingers through my hair and hugging me again. I liked him so much it was incredible. I hadnÕt even been dating him for very long and I already really really liked him. Why did I have a bad feeling about this? | | |
| New post sorry for the wait. Been having writers block....MAJORLY!!!!! I hope you like it:
The next day I talked to the doctor. She said that I could go home. Part of me wanted to be out of the hospital, away from the memory of what happened, but the other part wanted to stay and keep the memory alive. It was weird. I knew that I didnÕt want the baby, couldnt have the baby even, and yet, now that it was gone, I wanted it back. Everytime I thought about it my eyes would fill with tears. I hadnÕt talked to Chris in a while. When I got home I logged online. I saw his name on my buddy list and smiled. An IM popped up, I expected it to be Chris, I looked at the name SkateObSeSSEd765....Will.
SkateObSeSSEd765: Hey, What happened? Where have you BEEN?
Evry1SsPeciaL987: Hi....Um....We kinda have to talk...
SkateObSeSSEd765: Why, whats wrong?
Chris still hadnÕt IMed me...Wtf.
Evry1SsPeciaL987: IÕll meet you at the park at 4:30
SkateObSeSSEd765: C you there.
I glanced at my buddy list again, he was still on. I IMed him. It took him a while to respond.
Evry1SsPeciaL987: Hey...
DeAthcaB2324: Hey. I canÕt talk now...sorry
Evry1SsPeciaL987: Oh...ok. Well...When you can...I really need to tell you something.
DeAthcaB2324: Ok, IÕll call you later.
Evry1SsPeciaL987: Great!
I signed off before he couldnÕt respond. It was around 3:30. I still had an hour before meeting Will. I turned on a movie to get my mind off of Chris. What was going on with that anyway?! HadnÕt he realized that I hadnÕt been around in the past few days. Now he just didnÕt have time for me. Maybe it was just today...Thats right...Its just today. I convinced myself that it was only today repeting that he liked me, I knew he liked me over and over. I lay on my bed not letting myself think too much. At 4:15 I went to the park. Will came at exactly 4:30. We stood awkawrdly with a few feet of space between us. Looking at him gave me the chills even though it wasnt cold.
ÓWhat did you want to tell me?Ò Will asked speaking softly. Hearing his voice made my heart speed up. I wondered weather I should tell him yet or not. I knew I should but...Would that mean that our interactions would be over. After all we had nothing left between us other than the baby. I started getting that feeling in my heart when I thought about the baby. It almost hurt.
ÒI donÕt really know how it say this...Ó How could I say it. How could I tell him. ÒI had a miscariage,Ó I said. My voice sounded hollow. Completely empty. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I wasnÕt going to let myself cry. At least not here. I blinked. I took a deep breath. Im not going to let myself feel anything. I dont feel. I repeted it over and over in my head. It worked the lump slowly disolved and the tears that were threatening to spill over my eye lids slowly stopped wanting to be released. I looked at Will. His face blank. Expressionless. ÒIt means that the babyÕs deadÓ The expression on his face remained unmoved. We still remained about two feet away from each other.
ÒAre you ok?Ó He asked. His voice full of supprise, sadness, and concern. He moved his hand and touched my shoulder, rubbing my arm. At first I flinched at his touch. He didnÕt stop. He moved in and hugged me. My arms hung limp at my sides. My body was numb. Obeying my orders to not feel.
ÒIÕm fine,Ó I responded the tone I used was colder than I intended it to be. We stood, his arms around me while I remained stiff, arms limp at my sides for some time. After a while I told him I had to go. I walked home. For the rest of the afternoon I lay on my bed looking up at the ceiling. I fell asleep fully clothed on my back. Chris didnÕt call.
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